Not putting this under a read more, I apologize.

Sometimes I apologize for things I’ve never done only because I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help if possible.  Sometimes I feel horrible because people always bring up something I’m conscious about and I try to ignore it and play it off but inside I get really upset.  Sometimes I ramble on about my issues to someone because I trust them not to tell but then I start feeling bad because I just rambled on and not give any thoughts to other peoples issues.  Sometimes I just cling to someone because it feels like I have no one else and they’re really important to me and mean a lot and i don’t want them to suffocate so i back off and distance myself at times to not suffocate them and don’t talk to them so i don’t bother them.  Sometimes

It’s just really hard living with emotions sometimes and it just all hurts.  The pain gets so overwhelming where it just destroys my mood and it hurts more.  Then comes being numb.  Where you tell everyone to fuck off or whatever and hurting them without caring cause you’re apathetic, doing something to just ignore it all.  Then you go back to being all happy and the cycle repeats.

*sighs*  It gets tiring and exhausted and when you have parents asking you constantly to talk to them, you just can’t because you know they wouldn’t understand, even if you try to tell them, they degrade your reasons and use excuses to make it seem like your issues are insignificant or stupid.  If it goes against what they like, it basically makes you feel horrible because all of the sudden, they’re angry at you because you’re dating a boy/girl, not socializing with their friends whom you feel awkward around, don’t spend a lot of time outside because there’s nothing to do around where you live, all your friends are out of state for college or just at home or just too far away for in-person contact and so you spend too much time on the computer or phone talking to “imaginary people” who basically are all friends online or real when you’re not going to spend all the time talking in person.

I just am confused about a lot of things.  Hurt over some things.  

Sometimes when I talk to people, they never talk to me first and I try to talk to them all the time where I just give up and never talk to them again until I try to reconnect but then yet again, i’m the one always initiating conversation.  It just gets hard to say you have friends when you’re just always the only one talking at times.  I realize that, yes, they could be busy at times but when it gets to being multiple times and they not responding or just awkwardly talking, it feels like I’ve done something wrong where I don’t know what to say or do.  It hurts worse when it’s someone you were once close to and they just drift from you.  I just wish it didn’t feel so alone to have friends.

My mind just can’t handle all this emotional… “Thinking” and just draws me to yet again, being tired/exhausted/depressed often.

MY lyrics?  They come from my heart and I feel proud when I write them because they’re what I think or feel.  I just write my songs to vent, escape.  If I didn’t write them, I’d probably end up cutting.  If I didn’t write them, I don’t know what I would do.  It’s just hard to believe something like writing helps.

I’m sorry for this post.  I needed to just get this out.